Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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