I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
now i know why i became what i already was.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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