Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She bit a glass in half.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
