I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
