Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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