My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
