remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize