Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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