It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
