i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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