You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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