My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
