how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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