but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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