Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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