Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
