Your mouth is God's brothel.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
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