Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
