We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
