You smell like a Billy Joel song
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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