I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
