I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
