I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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