just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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