so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
