I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize