So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Found the puke drawer
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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