don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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