Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
