She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
And then he peed in my hair
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