My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
