Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
