my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
