my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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