Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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