Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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