Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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