Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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