i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
