you traded sex for a burrito?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
