his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
