Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
