i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
