I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
