sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
