i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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