meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I wear drunk well.
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