that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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