I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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