I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
