Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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