I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
