im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
