I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
