I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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