Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
