I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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