just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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