Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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