he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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