Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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