Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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