My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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